Though this Impreze is not really mine,
but hey we do look good together.
What the hell. I almost hit someone just now. What was i thinking?!?! Furthermore its not some old uncle crossing the traffic light. Its quite a hot chick that got startled when i zoomed passed her while she was crossing.
What the fuck right? Exactly.
There i was driving home after sending my mum to work in the morning. Driving quite safely (though i presumed at first). Feeling the wind in my hair with the window down. Thats how i like it. No artificial coldness. Just the natural fully aspirated air through my face. And as usual, i would blast out the stereo and when it happened , "Thoughts of A Dying Atheist" was on.
And as always, i have most of my concentration on the road plus the rest on the music. But this time i was so fixated on drumming the steering wheel following the music's drumline, i totally forgot to check the pedestrian. If there was a TP behind me or anywhere, i swear i would be booked. And i think i should be due to my carelessness that startled and stop this lady in the middle of her footsteps. What was i thinking? We were close enough for me to get quite a vivid look at her and she at me. I bet she's cursing the hell out of my guts for doing such a thing. She must be thinking; What an ignorant, arrogant and bastard driver i am. And i don't blame her for that. I was such a fool
My meaning of close though we could see each other clearly, was safe enough for me to act quickly. See i'm making a right turn to Kaki Bukit. And of course, for right turns, you should check for cars from the opposite direction. There are two turning lanes and i was at the outer lane. If i was at the inner lane... Something bad could've happened. Which i was lucky enough to not be at.
This was my route. The same route i would take everytime i was heading home. The same route for me and my dad. This is also the same route my dad and i would always take in the morning to work. So i'm quite very familiar with this route to make such a silly mistake that could make me take an effort to actually write this. For my usual going back home route, i would always sub-concsiously take the inner turning lane. But this time i wonder why i took the outer lane. Was it that there was no car there and i took it due to my lack of patience for cars in front of me? or was it something else. I'm just thinking out loud here. Just trying to create a fantasizing effort no to blame myself for nothing happened. Which was actually something. Closely shaved.
When the lights turned green for me so does the green man light. I inched forward to a full halt at the middle of the junction checking for cars. Safety right? Though not the part where i did all this with full fixation on drumming the steering. When i confirmed there was no cars, i depressed the acceleration pedal swiftly and as i did so, i sensed something wrong. A sort of sense you should not have when you're driving. That split second after depressing the pedal, i realised why did the taxi beside me at the inner turning lane did not move. And as i turned my focus back to the road in front, there she was with a brown silky dress on with earphones i think.
As swiftly as i depressed the acc pedal, my right foot was back on the brake. And when i did so, my thoughts brought me back to the oncoming cars from the opposite directions. Fuck it!! i thought. And there i pressed on the acc hard on (all the while knowing she was not on the lane that i was getting on nor was she right in definite front of my car when i was doing so).
What the fuck... what the fffuck!! was the only thing on my mind and the only thing out of my mouth the instant i passed her startled looking yet, gorgeous face. Still have time to look at girls uh?! Hey im a guy. And i really am sorry about it. But shit that was close. The fear of hitting someone and the fear of being hit by all the other cars from all three of the opposite lanes altogether was tremendous. Seriously it was. Imagine trying to jam break due to imminent crashing of the halted car in front while you're travelling at least 70km/h or above. And while you're doing so, The confusion you feel when you realised no matter how hard you depress the brakes, that car in front was coming in ever so close and faster than you anticipated. Letting out a sudden gush of adrenaline and pressure through your whole existence. Same fear. Same experience. Only thing diff is nothing actually happened. Nothing...
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In an instance now, i can barely remember primary days, down to secondary days. Where it sucks the most. The one place i never enjoyed unlike others. It seems im the only one not to. Being fucked around by people i thought were friends?! Thats where i really learnt the hard way, which is though friends are good and nice to have around; never underestimate the kind of "power"they have over you. In a sense that on one hand they could be your group of trust, your circle of comfort but on the other hand, they can have the whole world looking down at you like a piece of trash. Literally. It was fuck. The feeling of everyday going through the same faces of shits knowing they think you're some kind of an ass. A fucking laughing stock to those people you thought were friends and to those others even you arent even close with. That defining...
Friends were one thing. But what about Love?!?! I would say that was the moment where i found my first. Was it? Really? The first love? That lasted for quite a few years if i count out the separations. I was in love. See, another chapter that began and ended. Another defining one that i'll remember for the rest until "THE END".
Then comes another chapter which was Poly. The first day i remembered, "Damn, have to start from scratch and make new friends all over again." Its a funny feeling of lost, confusion, and misplacement. I could never say up till now that im a master of those times. They're rare and you dont get any practice at it. This chapter lasted 3+ years. Made really good friends and even closer ones too. Found myself in a band. One of the best chapters in my life. The best if it were to be compared to the rest. Something i thought i would never get to be in. Since the secondary where i started to pick up the guitar. Ahah!!
One part i cant recall. when was the first time i picked up the guitar. Really picking it up and playing while knowing how to play. Don't remember... How long ago was that? Dont remember. If im given a chance to read a thick book titled m life's story, I would go back to those chapters and find out. Alot of other things that i've missed out too.
Alas after finishing poly, for us guys, we're called to duty. For our nation, for our country. National Service. This was fuck. Who would in their sanest mind would go ahead and raise up their hand and shout out they would want to go for NS. Not me... But eventually, i never thought it could give me a sense of purpose. A sense of belonging. Yet, of course when i entered, it was the same start from scratch feeling. Every book outs seems like a luxury bestowed on us. And every book ins felt so draining and unwanted. I never thought in a million years (as BMT was coming to an end) we would feel much hype, and all hig in moral as if we're booking out. We were becoming really close. Almost like a family. People i know i'll never forget. Those best buddies and those not so best buddies. For those guys who have yet to go through NS, wouldnt understand what i'm saying nor the phrase, "It's not what you leave behind, but it's what you'll gain in the days ahead." It meant alot now.
Alot of buddies cried on the last night and the last morning before we graduated from BMT. Even the SGT's and the Officer's. They all wept tears of sadness. Like you're going away for a long holiday leaving you family behind. That was exactly the kind of feeling everyone felt. Some others were too bold to mention they didnt cry but i dont blame them. For a reason because i didnt. I didnt want to. But no matter how much you try, there would always be this overwhelming upsweep of emotion you can never understand. I almost cried when we started out the marching in for our POP, or did i really cry, im not sure. But that was the part where it struck me, this was going to be the last time we as a company or platoon or family were marching together. After this, theres none left. Even if there is, its not the same face anymore. Never the same faces. That was the moment when i let out. With a sense of control at hand.
A chapter that ended on the 19th of March. And another one beginning today later on the 24th of March. Sub chapters to the whole idea of 2 years sacrifice.
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3 months just passed as if it was yesterday. Cliche? but it really did. Remembering the times where i was just enlisting with all the new looks and faces. This was it then... A new phase of my life beginning. Like it was in school but difference is this was it... The real thing. No more school. The real world. The one they say, "Dog eat Dog". Yep that's the one.
The grueling shits and trainings. Feeling all messed up. All too fugly and juggly for the strenous stuff. Getting to know people. Again from scratch. Hoping to find clicks! And did so, unknowingly meeting the best people out there. Whom i seriously doubt i would meet or make friends with. Covering each others' asses. Fucking every other lamers at the same time. This is literally the meaning of the phrase,
"It's not what you leave behind, but what you'll gain in the days ahead."
I look like an ass though but who gives a shit. We were the bomb! Apache! 1st Platoon! With my life! Hoo Haa!... Who would ever thought as those inevitable days were counting down, we were feeling more merrier to book in. Moral were sky high. Went through 24 km route march was like a stroll to the toilet. It was fun above all else.Then it time to Graduate... or better known as POP. Did we just finished our BMT phase? So fast? Hey we wont be falling in with the same people, wont be marching with the same people , wont be going to the cookhouse and eating with the same people anymore. Lunch that day was as if it's the "Last Supper".
There we were at the parade square.. Wanted to take some pictures with some of the others but there wasn't any time left so instead we got this to remember ourselves by.
<$Anyone wants to add anything$>
<$Anyone wants to add anything$>
A serious and major amounts of shits have been going on since and i can't even begin to imagine what is to be written, mentioned and what is not. I can't help but say that family's going through a pretty rough patch at the moment. And let me pray that its just for this moment. This "short phase" of our lives. Not that i dun understand in the beginning ever since before stuff happened. But its just something at the back of your mind that you find it hard to get the courage to even begin to contemplate yourself. And yes now that the hammer have struck and all i can do is adapt. Its hard... Why must it always be hard. Ev-er-ry single time, it is hard, hard, hard. why can't it be easy for once or a few times. At least let me get the feel of it; to be easy.
If that's not enough, things keep failing here around the house. One by one it all starts to crap and rot. The tv, the player, the car even. Its like as though all of this has been planned. So secrtively and myseriously planned down to the littlest details. Not that im saying it is. but i sucks.
Only one thing fun or shall i say happy has happened for me. It has actually been about 1 month and a few days now since i passed my car liscence. And i thought i had to take it a second time before i could pass. Spent approximately S$934 in total to get that ever elusive liscence. That's actually rather cheap compared to what i've heard. Some have spent about 1000 plus and almost 2000 and still it remains elusive to those. What can i say, driving now is some sort of a new hobby for me. Can't get enough of it. If you asked me to drive for 24 hrs straight for the sake of nothing just merely for fun... I'd do it.
So.. anywone wants to get some supper? Simpang Bedok or Newton Circle? How about a shopping trip to Johore?
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Think about yourself walking down town or in a mall or wherever your imagination takes you. Stumble upon the glass window of a coffee shop. Coffee Club's the name and through the window you see chocolate fudge brownie. Than you start to think of all the nice little bites you can have of all the things that is chocolate or whatever. Bavarian sugar cookies this. Macadamian nut chocolate that. Bla bla bla.
Was it really you thinking?! Or was it someone else with their hands fervently and eagerly typing on the typewriter imagining it. Not waiting for the idea to be lost quickly he/she gets it all down on black and white. Who?
Then it makes me think about LIFE. And how people always mention the usual cliche which is, "that's life", "life's hard". This and that and blabbering about life and mentioning about how life is always hard. Blaming it all on the sacred most circle of life. Makes you doubt now that it's not all life that is to blame isn't it? Might be that writer with words so elegant and perfected writing a tragedy about your life. Which you are now currently running. Kind of a bitch ain't it? Knowing that someone has the power over your fate literally. Maybe not!!!
Why not give you super powers? Yeah that would be fun. Flying or invincibility or even reading thoughts. That would definitely count as an asset. Imagine becoming a ladies man and doing everything right just by reading the thoughts of the opposite sex(vice versa). Then it won't be a tragedy story and no one's dying tragically. Which is for the best for everyone.
People fancy reading about sex or comedy or serial killers or in this case tragedies. Why should tragedies be included in a hobby of someone's personal interests in books. Just imagine the look on your face if you found out the tragedy story was about yourself. And yes inevitably you know that one fine day, everyone is going to die eventually. But that's just one of life's mysteries. You never know when you're dying. Which makes people somewhat ignorant in going about their daily lives.
And un this case you found out yourself when. And you were told you had to go through it. You're at the top of the game with a love in your life. Almost perfect until someone decides to be creative and imaginative about how you die. Oh no this is not murder dudes. Its a fully fictional story someones writing which is your life.
And of course reading this, no one's going to believe every single word. Every single blabber. Which is what im doing at exactly 5:36 in the morning. Now 5:37 am. Im just bored and just finish watching Stranger Than Fiction. Its a nice movie and i think you should try to watch. No one died in the movie by the way.
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Not until i hear what others have to say!!!
Its like when i talk to others(and don't get me wrong. everyone do bitch every once in a while in their own lifetime even if they deny) and have to hear what they have to say, its somehow sounds true. Sounds familiar in a way i've experienced it; The very bad side of the person i'm talking about this moment. Shish!! can it be truely true? I am of course in no place to say mumbo jumbo like "hey! that's not true," or "c'mon, she can't be that bad. I know her and she's not like that." Exactly... I really don't, even after 3 damn years. its funny now when i think that people can be seriously and undoubtfully mysterious and unpredictable. And here i am thinking that, "eh she is not bad, and things might really be going on well or will be." TOOOOTT!?!? Wrong...
But now, the so called unpredictability and mysteriousness is seriously getting out of hand. And im wondering, is she the kind of person she portrays herself to be or if not, any other one else for that matter. They say this but they do that. wah lao wei!
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This is where i come in with my imperfections of life spiced up
by my godforsaken bullshits. Whatever mindless ramblings i might have
added please at least give me the respect that this is my little corner of
self fulfilling dream world. With other little touches dedicated to my band "The Esoteric" of course.
Click the picture to go back.
The Fratellis... Cool band from what i've heard. Recommended by a friend to the sweet sounds of drum intro towards the surfrock bass line. All that plus the "Ta Da Da, ta da da".
The Fratellis... Cool band from what i've heard. Recommended by a friend to the sweet sounds of drum intro towards the surfrock bass line. All that plus the "Ta Da Da, ta da da".